


SUPPRESSION

by Moonglider



Category: Kpop - Fandom, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Depression, Don't Read This, Drug Use, Homophobia, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I consider him a minor character, I've messed all the ages up, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Its not a big plot, Its selective, Jeon Jungkook Is Bad at Feelings, Jeon Jungkook-centric, Like all the characters, M/M, Mentioned Other K-pop Artist(s), Minor Character Death, Minor Jeon Jungkook/Kim Taehyung | V, Mute Jeon Jungkook, No Fluff, No Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Short Chapters, Slow Build, Suicide, Tags Are Hard, The Romance is lacking, Their birthdays are wrong too, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This Is Sad, This is so slow, Underage Drinking, Yoongi literally says nothing, You may not?, aged-down characters, its awkward, its vague, like journal entries, so much, some resolution, this is upsetting, uncomfortable
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-03-26 07:36:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 12,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19001284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonglider/pseuds/Moonglider
Summary: "This would be a better story if I were dead."
-Jeon JeonggukX X XWhen Jeongguk moves to Seoul he leaves some dark secrets in his past that he'd like to forget. But suppressing all that's happened takes quite the toll on his mind, until he can no long run. But by then, he's far too late to fix anything.





	1. WELCOME TO THE CITY OF SEOUL

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for clicking this story, but you shouldn't have. Really, why? Did you read the tags? There is a mature rating despite this being a high school fic. I decided on mature because of the sensitive topics being discussed and really, how poorly the topics are handled. So, some trigger warnings that double as spoiler warnings if you read the blurbs attached:
> 
> 1\. Underage: There is underage sex, not explicit but you know that is what they're doing. It's very obvious.
> 
> 2\. Rape: Yeah, so the underage sex, its up to debate whether you think that was consensual or not. There are two instances of sex, one is one hundred percent rape no debate about it. The other instance, well, I'll leave that up to interpretation. My take is that it wasn't forced sex, but I wouldn't call it safe, sane and consensual by any means.
> 
> 3\. Underage drinking/drugs: There is some of that here, its not a lot, but it is mentioned.
> 
> 4: Homophobia: So this is South Korea, being gay is not a well supported thing there. A lot of the characters struggle with their identity as gay. Some discussion of coming out and forced coming out. Some characters, like Jeongguk, have internalized homophobia and they think they're disgusting for being this way. There are other characters who are just straight up homophobic and awful. Sorry in advance, I did something horrible to a member of BTS.
> 
> 5\. Suicide: So I don't think I mention suicide until later in the story, but I feel like it is vaguely referenced throughout the story. However, a character does commit suicide in this story. It's not very graphic at all. You find out second-hand and later learn what the suicide method was and what was said in the note.
> 
> 6\. Bullying: I'm going to add this in even though I think it is mostly tied up in the homophobia. But yeah, high school is awful and idk why I'm writing about it again.

**WELCOME TO THE CITY OF SEOUL**

A light tapping on my shoulder stirred me awake. My eyes fluttered open as I stretched, the sun shining in through the window momentarily blinded me. The car had stopped moving, we were parked in the garage of our new home, an apartment complex.

Dad: “We're here."

Me: "..."

Dad: "You think you could grab a box or two and bring it in?"

Me: "..."

Dad: "I know you're mad, but please, don't do this now?"

Dad turned and left, leaving me standing in front of the new concrete building we’d call our home. The place needed some serious landscaping working and maybe a paint job to get rid of the offsetting slate grey. I cringed at the thought of all the work that would have to be done at some point to ever make this place feel like a home.

The little lawn that there was needed a good weed whacking and mowing. The bushes just needed to be pried from the ground, half of them were dead. They grey of the concrete was cold, not like a home at all. It should be painted something warm. I shrugged those thoughts away, it wasn’t really my problem and I wouldn’t be here long enough for it to matter anyway.

A sigh escaped me as I lifted a small box and trudged out of the garage and into the building. The garage was just as unfortunate as the rest of the building. Filled with rusting cars and looking as if it could crumble away into dust at any moment.

Mom: "I swear to God, stop stalling."

Dad: "But honey, I'm exploring."

Mom: "Go get the rest of those boxes, now!”

Dad grumbled back to the car and began lifting more boxes out of the trunk.

I fully stepped into the new apartment, standing out in the bland, barren hallway was uncomfortable. The apartment was barren as well, only because the moving truck would be here tomorrow. Dad had driven through the night to get here before them so he could tell them were to put all the furniture. It was a solid idea. Let's hope the movers agree with him.

Mom: "Jeongguk, stop dawdling and put that box down!”

I set the box down by the others and set off to explore the house. Not like there was a lot to explore, but I needed some time to myself. Spending hours on end with your family in a confined space can only keep you so sane. Eventually you’re begging for the next bathroom stop or wishing you hadn't packed your headphones into a box. That was an accident.

The apartment was one story, two bedrooms, one bathroom. The kitchen was small, barely enough room for two people to stand comfortably in there while cooking. A small living room, not much room for the furniture that awaited it in the moving truck.

Mom: "Jeongguk, where is Gureum?”

She shouted from somewhere out in the hallway.

I heard the barking coming from somewhere out in the hallway at the mention of his name. Gureum was probably standing under her feet the whole time. Gureum, our rescue dog, had an odd habit of standing under her feet wherever she went. Mom never noticed.

I wandered down the narrow hallway until I found my room. It's an average sized room. Big enough for a bed, dresser, desk and has its own closet. The bad thing about the room, it was yellow. A dull egg colored yellow to be exact. I cringed and closed the door. Maybe I'd get it redone?

Who am I kidding, that would never happen.

I eventually wandered back to the garage.

Dad: "Here you go, kiddo."

He handed me an air mattress.

I dragged it back up to the apartment with me and set it up in my yellow, barren room.

I'd be sleeping on this old thing that was losing air by the minute until my bed got here tomorrow. I guess I could deal for a night, but I'm sure to have nightmares about eggs now.

Welcome to Seoul, the epitome of South Korean tourism and my new beginning, home of the egg yellow room.


	2. WELCOME TO HIGH SCHOOL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll explain some more now that you've made it to the second chapter. So this story is told from Jeongguk's perspective and is kind of written like a fifteen-year-old would maybe write a journal. Which this is essentially. This is Jeongguk's perspective on what is happening around him, so it may feel a little odd to read. The chapters are very short because Journal entries are generally not long. And they are kind of structured on how it might be if Jeongguk was recounting his day and looking back on it.
> 
> Like I put in the tags, I've screwed all their ages up and their birthdays. So yes, Jeongguk and Hoseok are like the same age.

**WELCOME TO HIGH SCHOOL**

FIRST QUARTER

It's my first day of high school, ever. I have about a thousand pencils and pens, seven new notebooks and enough erasers to build a bridge to Japan. Mom thought it was best to be over prepared and took me to three different stores. I bought jeans that are too tight and shirts that’ll probably collect dust in the back of my closet. She didn’t seem to care that the school had a uniform. And then there was the worst case of nerves ever. I feel like someone is trying to claw their way out of my stomach and up my throat. But I swallow down my nerves and continue down the sidewalk to the bus stop.

I've been in Seoul all of three weeks. Three weeks and I sadly have no clue how to get around this city. I’ve been lost countless times. Confused on the subway and the many different routes. No idea how to navigate the busy streets. Just overall completely lost.

I’m at the bus stop waiting for the torture of public transportation to unfold. I don’t really understand the bus system either. Within the next few minutes the familiar rumble of the bus greets me. Far too loud and squeaking at every attempt to hit the brakes.

Wheels on the bus go round and round. Round and round. Round and round. Wheels on the bus go round and round. I forgot the rest.

I decide to pick a safe spot in the middle of the bus. The front is for nerds, kids that get picked on for actually using their brain. The back is for losers, kids who could care less about their education. I've come to learn this over the years of middle school, it should be the same here.

On the bus people glance at me now and then. I suppose new kids could be a little rare. They were for my old school. Either that or something is very wrong with my appearance. Only time will tell.

In high school, everyone gets put into their homerooms, except freshmen. The freshmen report to the auditorium to be lectured on a high school do's and do not's.

I sit farther back where there are more empty seats. Obviously, the people who've always lived in this city and went to the middle school all sit up front, chatting with and greeting their friends. The new kids sit back, looking lost and nervous. As is the way of life.

Random Boy: "Hi, I'm new. Are you new too?"

I slowly nod and remove my bag from the chair next to me so he can sit down next to me. The only resemblance to a welcome I’m willing to give.

Random Boy: "I'm Hoseok. What's your name?"

Me: "Jeongguk."

My voice cracks a little.

Hoseok: "Nervous? I'm super nervous. I almost got lost trying to find the auditorium. But here I am, in one piece . . ."

He droned on until the principal took the stage and started talking.

Adults are full of lies. When you first meet them, it’s all they do, lie. They say stuff like, we care, we want to help, your education matters. It's all lies, they don't have an honest bone in their body.

They handed out our schedules after they finished lying. Said each one was specially made to suit us.

My first class is algebra, just what I didn't want.


	3. FANTASTICAL TEACHERS

**FANTASTICAL TEACHERS**

Teachers. Teachers come in all shapes and sizes, each one has a unique personality that was colored in by a three-year-old. Really, just a bunch of scribbles, but not quite the same as the previous scribble.

An old lady with a wrinkled skirt stood at the front of my algebra class. My math teacher wasn't here, on the first day of school no less.

Old Lady: "Your math teacher wanted to be here, but she's currently in labor as we speak. So, she'll be out for a few months."

A little too much information, could have just said she was having a baby and left it at that.

My gym teacher, like other cliché gym teachers, wore a track suit and had an odd fascination with his whistle. Even though our gym class only sat on the bleachers while the gym teacher yammered on he still found reasons to blow that whistle. Idiotic reasons.

Mr. Whistle Blower: "You will only get half credit if you change, you must participate."

He repeated for the umpteenth time.

My English teacher, he's a young guy. Well, in his thirties, but younger than most of the teachers here. Except it turns out he's the girls’ softball and soccer coach. My English teacher doubles as the girls’ sport coach. The school must be low on money. Or just giving it all to the arts.

English Coach: "If you come out with anything from this class, it will be with a better understanding of literature. I want you all to have a deeper passion for literature by the end of the year."

He'd be a bad motivational speaker.

My history teacher, or should I say global teacher, was odd. He stood at the front of the room with his legs crossed, yet still standing straight. He kept babbling about how this class wasn't focused on China or just the United States but the whole world. Let’s vote on how much of this year will just be spent on East Asia.

Global Man: "This class doesn't focus on the United States at all. This class is to teach you about the whole world and the U.S has only been around for two hundred years. Places like Rome and Paris have been around centuries before the U.S. Not to mention the extensive history in Asia developing at the same time."

Did he mention Africa?

Now for lunch. I wasn't stupid, I know that you don't bring your lunch on the first day. Mostly because I'm not sure of the style yet. Do they buy lunch or brown bag it here? Maybe they have designer lunch boxes here? You can never tell. You don't want to be the only one with a brown bag when everyone else is buying lunch. That’ll single you out real fast.

When I got into the lunch room everyone was buying lunch. The lines were thirty people long. I honestly wasn't too hungry; I could wait until I got home to eat. Standing in a line full of sweaty, shoving, rude teenagers didn't sound particularly fun.

Instead I looked for the right spot to eat. I scanned the cafeteria, looking for a mildly friendly face that I could approach. The only face I found that I recognized was Hoseok’s. He was sitting at a table with a few other students looking extremely bored. What the hell, right?

Hoseok: "Oh, hey Jeongguk, I was totally just wondering where you were. Come sit next to me."

He patted the seat next to him.

Hoseok: "Everyone here is so boring. Look, they're all reading. I can't even hold up a conversation with any of them…"

He continued to drone on and I just nodded now and then.

I was thankful for when lunch ended. Who knew it could be the most tiring thirty minutes of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think so far? I've introduced Hoseok...I'm sorry in advance. His character does not fair well in this story. I mean, does anyone's though?
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/moonglider6)


	4. ARTDOM

**ARTDOM**

Art, I picked art instead of music. I don't know why. I was fine at art, sure. I could draw a bit, color within the lines, hold a paint brush. I was probably better at music. I could at least sing. But art, I'll probably fail. Should have just gone with a study hall. Would have been less damaging to my grade point average.

Art was in the basement, not the first or second floor, the basement. Tells you how much the board of education cares about creativity. I'm surprised they still allow us to read fictional books in English. This school only really cares about their music programs. Maybe their sports teams, for the boys anyway. Not the girl sports teams. That doesn’t bring in doners.

My art teacher, he was surprisingly quiet. He just stared at our class as we sat down. He didn't say or do much. Just sat on his stool and stared at us. It made me feel odd, why was he looking at us?

He picked up a deflated soccer ball that rattled when he moved it. He turned it around in his hands a few times. His dark brown eyes just watching us. It was unnerving.

He slowly got up from his stool and grabbed a big colorful stick of chalk. It must of had six different colors blended into it. He stood at one of the barren chalk boards and started slapping the chalk against it until he had written his name.

_MR. SULL_

It fit him, it really fit him well.

Mr. Soul: "Welcome class, to art." He took an exaggerated bow. "Now, whoever can tell me what this is," He held up the deflated soccer ball. "will get an A for the first quarter."

Hands shot up all around the room. My hand stayed down. This had to be a trick, the question was too easy. It was a deflated soccer ball. Anyone with eyes could see that.

Kid after kid said their answer.

Kid One: "It's a deflated soccer ball."

Mr. Soul: "No."

Some hands retracted back to their tables.

Kid Two: "Your personality?"

Mr. Soul: "No."

Kid Three: "It represents something."

Mr. Soul: "What does it represent?"

All hands went down.

I already liked Mr. Soul. He seemed like a fun kind of teacher, in the crazy kind of way, though. Entertaining at least.

Mr. Soul: "Have they already beaten the creativity out of you? So early in life too. What a shame.”

I’d been thinking real hard on the meaning of why the soccer ball was deflated for the last few minutes while others were answering. What could have caused it to lose all its air? I studied the soccer ball in his hand, it was old with many grass stains. Made me think of the soccer ball I had as a kid. One that had long since been thrown out.

Then it came to me.

Me: "It represents change over time."

Mr. Soul: "Elaborate."

I was on to something. It felt right.

Me: "When you first got the soccer ball it was filled with air and had no scratches or stains. But over time it started to lose air and became worn down. Even if you tried pumping it back up it was never the same as when you first got it. It represents the way we grow and change."

Mr. Soul: "Come on, keep going."

I thought for a few seconds, what else could I add?

Me: "No matter how hard we try, we'll never be the same person we were a year ago or ten years ago. And eventually we get worn down and our skin is marked with the stains of life. Just like this soccer ball we become deflated and tired over time. Empty."

Mr. Soul started clapping, a big grin spread over his face.

Mr. Soul: "Well done…"

Me: "Jeongguk."

Mr. Soul: "Well done Jeongguk, you get an A for the rest of the first quarter. Perhaps there is hope for the youth yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/moonglider6)


	5. RE-REDECORATING

**RE-REDECORATING**

When I got off the bus and finally dragged my tired self, home; I wasn't surprised to find the apartment in an uproar. Mom was on a tangent. Gureumwas following behind her, barking up a storm. The broom was on the ground, there was a puddle of water in the kitchen and the vacuum was roaring through the house. If I was sneaky I could I escape to my now furnished room.

I wasn't sneaky. My stomach rumbled and I decided to find some food in the kitchen. I should have just escaped into my room. Would have been the safer option.

Mom: "Jeongguk, your home. Go takeGureumout, he hasn’t been out since you left for school.”

Me: "..."

Mom: "Now Jeongguk."

I grabbed Gureum’s leash from its hanging spot on the door and hooked it to his collar. Gureumis a small little scruffy white dog that's overly excited. He honestly doesn't get out enough.

I hopped down the apartment complex steps. Gureumcontinued to drag me, but he wasn't getting very far. He wasn’t all that strong, being a tiny dog and all. He was mostly just choking himself on his leash.

The neighborhood we lived in wasn’t all that nice. Well, kind of nice. Lots of apartment complex’s lining the streets with trees and some flower pots. However, some lawns were brown and some lots looked like junk yards, trash and broken down cars. But other lots looked at least cared for. The streets of course had pot holes here and there. The sidewalks were cracked and crumbling, but the neighborhood looked friendly enough, at least to walk the dog during the day.

After a few minutes of mindlessly walking I retraced my steps and head back to the apartment complex.

Gureumcharged down the hallway. Once back inside the apartment he started barking at my mom like a crazy dog. Jumping around her feet and yipping endlessly at her.

Mom: "Hush dog."

Me: "..."

Mom: "Get the dog water."

Me: "..."

Mom: "Gureum, go with Jeongguk."

Gureumbounded over to me as I filled his water dish. He eagerly lapped it up. Probably was dying of thirst.

I went back to the fridge and grabbed a browning banana. I was suddenly not so hungry.

I trudged back to my room. It was still yellow. My desk and dresser looked wrong. Like they didn't belong in the room. I pulled my nightstand away. And dragged it to the other side of my bed. I like the left side better. I always sleep that way.

I took my dresser and moved it farther away from the window and moved my desk closer to my window. I then ripped all the posters off my wall and shoved them into the small waste basket. I didn't like them anyway. All staring at me. Looked too much like my old room. And that would be a mistake.

Staring at my room I noticed something. I was lacking a bookcase. What to do with my books and trophies? It looks like I'm just going to have to re-redecorate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got no clue what gender Jeongguk's dog was in real life...so I guessed. I really haven't posted enough of these chapters yet to get any reaction from people. This story is really just slow paced. It's so slow.
> 
>  
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/moonglider6)


	6. ROMANTICIZED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to put trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter. I put it at the start, this entire story is a trigger warning. However, here we start to see the internalized homophobia manifest.

**ROMANTICIZED**

I don't get it. I've never gotten it really. It surrounds us and suffocates us. We find it everywhere, TV, books, real life, imagination. It pops up everywhere like a bad rash. An itchy, annoying rash that refuses to just die. Romance.

Couples walk down the hall holding hands, they kiss by their lockers and giggle. It's all rainbows and butterflies. Gross.

Then there's people like me. I'm someone that doesn't get looked at twice. I don't stand out much. Someone no one excepts things from. Just a quiet person in the back with an unfortunate haircut. So why does everyone else get romance? Why do people all around me find romance, but never me or anyone like me? Is it because I'm ugly? Unapproachable? Too young? Why don't people like me?

No one ever talks to me.

It's fine, I'm not looking for romance. I'm not ready for that. If a girl were to say she liked me I'd run the other way. If a girl spoke to me I might not speak back.

I know why they don't like me. It's because I'm me. And me being me, I'm awkward and an outcast. I wouldn't like me either. They all probably know too. One look and they’d be able to tell.

I knew a long time ago I wasn’t like everyone else. Girls never interested me. If a guy spoke to me, I’d just assume they want to be friends. For all I know I’m the only one like me in this entire school.

Why do all those couples have to rub it in. Show people like me what we can't have. Do they enjoy taunting us, making us feel like we're less? I hate romance. It's stupid, I'll just be alone, by myself for the rest of my miserable life. I don’t deserve it anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/moonglider6)


	7. CRAZY ART FANTASIES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I just picked idols that I love and added them in as side characters. These character do not represent them or their personalities in anyway. This is just how I wanted to characterize them.

**CRAZY ART FANTASIES**

I was looking forward to art. I couldn't wait for art all day. Mostly because I didn't have to do a thing. I had an A for the rest of the quarter. I could take a nap for all the teacher cares. That would be rude, though.

Mr. Soul: "Today you will pick a little slip of paper out of the soccer ball."

Mr. Soul came around the classroom, each kid grabbing a slip of paper from the deflated soccer ball.

Mr. Soul: "Jeongguk, read your paper out loud first."

Me: "Bird."

Mr. Soul: "Hyungwon, next."

Hyungwon: "Book."

Mr. Soul: "Jooheon, go."

Jooheon: "Rose."

Mr. Soul: "Taehyung?"

Taehyung: "Football."

And so on until everyone read out their piece of paper.

Mr. Soul: "This is your assignment for the first quarter. You will take your word and transform it into a deeper meaning. For example, I picked tree. I can draw any type of tree I'd like, but now I must give it emotion. I could draw a willow tree with its leaves bleeding. Or maybe use different objects to create my tree. I must take it and give it a new life. Any questions?"

Hands shot up, but I didn't pay them any attention. This assignment was too easy. All I have to do is give my bird a deeper meaning. Simple enough.

Mr. Soul: "I don't care how it's done, drawn, sculpture, 3D art. Don't care as long as it's art. You can make it graffiti for all I care."

He just made it easier.

I pulled out my phone and began researching birds. Which bird would I use?

I spent nearly the whole period looking at bird species. I wasn't a great artist, so I had to pick an easy looking bird. I picked a Humming Bird. Probably a bad idea, but I like Humming Birds. Their small and cute, but so fast.

I pulled up a picture on my phone and began to sketch it in my notebook. By the time the bell rang I had a bunch of half erased lines. I sighed and ripped out the sheet. Crumbling it and throwing it in the trash bin.

All through science I fantasized about what I could turn my Humming bird into. The more I thought about it the harder it seemed to get. How do I make a bird have a deeper meaning? I wish I got tree.

Random Guy: "Pst, Jeongguk?"

Me: "..."

Random Guy: "Pst, Jeongguk?"

I felt something hit me in the back of my head. Slowly turning around, I saw Taehyung from my art class getting ready to shoot another paper ball at me.

I arched an eyebrow at him, entirely confused at what was happening.

He got up and sat next to me at my lab table.

Taehyung: "So, you're smart, right?"

Me: "..."

I shrugged my shoulders. I wouldn’t say that.

Jeongguk: "I have no idea what to do about my art project. I got a football. How do I add a deeper meaning to a football?"

Me: "..."

I shrugged again. Like I would know.

Taehyung: "Come on, please help me?"

He whined. Like a child.

I had an idea, it probably wasn't good, but what the hell.

I took out my notebook and began sketching. I probably should have been paying attention to the science teacher, but she was boring.

I sketched an outline of the football, then tried having the leather of the football peeling back to reveal the inside.

I showed Taehyung the sketch.

Me: "You could draw different things inside the football or maybe write words that mean something to you."

Taehyung: "Wow, thanks Jeongguk."

He ripped out my sketch and went back to his seat.

Now if only I could figure out something for my bird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/moonglider6)


	8. TRASH BIN HUGGER

**TRASH BIN HUGGER**

I took my notebook and sat down on my bed, tucking my legs under me. I stared at my notebook, pencil in hand as I waited for inspiration. I had my laptop opened to picture of a humming bird.

I decided that I couldn't add a deeper meaning to my humming bird unless I could actually draw a humming bird. So here I sat, on my bed, attempting to draw the damn bird.

I tried sketching the head first. It looked like a misshapen rock so I tore out the paper. I crumbled it in my hand and shot it into the waste basket.

My second, third and fourth attempt I started with drawing the head. They all ended up, crumbled in the bottom of my trash bin.

On my fifth attempt, I decided to switch it up a bit. I started with the feet. Only then I realized humming birds didn't have feet, visible feet at that. That attempt also found it's self in my trash bin.

I studied the picture, analyzing the graceful slopes of its body and long shapely beak. I couldn't draw a humming bird. What was I thinking? That I'd magically get some drawing talent over night? Obviously, I wasn't so fortunate.

I had lost count of how many attempts I've gone at it. I'm at least at ten. I'm probably almost to twenty. I dropped my notebook and pencil and just collapsed back onto my bed. This was for sure a disaster. I can't draw, I wasn't nearly skilled enough. I'd have to find a new way to express my humming bird. Maybe I could try abstract? Those who couldn't draw did abstract. Or maybe I should do photography? That's art, right? I'll have to check up on that theory. Because if I could do photography, then well, I may have a chance.

Although, I'm not giving up yet on my sketch. I must be able to create the bird before I can add meaning to the bird. Maybe the hardest challenge I've faced yet? And I thought this was going to be an easy assignment. How foolish.

Mom: "Jeongguk, dinner."

Mom came into my room without knocking. Just waltzing in like manners didn't count anymore.

Me: "..."

Mom: "Don't give me that look. It's not like you're doing anything important up here."

Me: "..."

Mom: "Why do you have all these crumbled papers in your waste basket?"

Me: "..."

Mom: "Are you trying to write a love letter?"

She squealed, actually squealed.

Me: "Art project."

Mom: "Oh."

She looked disappointed.

Me: "..."

Mom: "Well come on, your father ordered takeout."

Oh, my _favorite,_ at least it's not frozen pizza. I can't stand even the stench of pizza anymore.

Me: "..."

I closed my notebook and set it and my pencil back on my desk. I closed my laptop and set it on my desk as well. I picked up a few stray paper balls and chucked them into my trash bin.

Tree huggers would be appalled at the sight of my over flowing trash bin. They'd accuse me of being a trash bin hugger. Whatever that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/moonglider6)


	9. FACEBOOKING, TWEETING, AND MESSAGING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I just picked idols I love to add in as side characters.

**FACEBOOKING, TWEETING, AND MESSAGING**

I'm not sure what possessed me. Maybe the fact that I was lonelier today then other days. Hoseok wasn't here today, so I sat at lunch with a few kids who didn't utter a word. I didn't realize how much I'd miss Hoseok until he was gone, as cliché as that sounds.

So, I typed the now foreign keys into the search bar on the school computer: _Facebook_

It had been my life once upon a time ago. I lived for _Facebook_. I updated my status many times a day and added new photos every day. It was my greatest form of communication.

I haven't been on in months. Three at the most. It feels so odd to be suddenly typing in my username and password. Two words that were branded into my mind. Didn’t even have to hesitate once upon a time ago. I don't think I could forget them, even if I tried.

I was utterly shocked. I had fifty messages. People were wondering where I was, what happened to me.

I opened the first message, the most recent one.

Yugyeom: 'dude, r u sic?'

Yugyeom: 'U do know ur missin skool, rite?'

Yugyeom: ‘dude, if u went on vac without tellin me, I'm gonna beat ur ass.'

Yugyeom: 'Fine, don't txt me bac. Idc anyway.'

Oh, Yugyeom, he actually missed me and I’ve totally just been ignoring him. I'll send him a message, eventually. One day.

I opened the next set of messages.

Jimin: 'Where have u been, Guk?'

Jimin: 'U've missed so much school. I miss u, please txt me, soon.'

I felt tears prick my eyes. I'm sorry Jimin.

I moved onto the next messages, not being able to read Jimin’s other three messages.

Taemin: 'Did u die or somthin?'

Taemin: 'U've gone MIA on us!'

Taemin: 'Gettin seriously fed up with u, dude.'

Poor Taemin. I should text him back soon as well.

BamBam: 'We're worried about u. Txt someone back.'

BamBam: 'Did u move or somethin? Just wonderin, pls txt back?'

The messages continued just like this. Some showed immense violence, other showed deep worry about me. My heart warmed at the notion. All these people cared about me, and I cared about them. I should just open a chat group with all of them so I don't have to repeat my story a hundred thousand times.

I decided to check out all my other internet based accounts. My twitter was filled about the shit going on in school. Apparently, this shocking couple got together and everyone is tweeting their opinions. Not my place or my concern.

Instagram was full of photos of back to school night. The dance looked extremely fun. But I wouldn't have gone. I most certainly would have stayed home.

I hadn't checked my phone in a long time. It didn't help that it was dead and I lost the charger in the move. But if I had it right now, I'm sure I'd have fifty some odd messages.

Oh well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a little more plot? Idk, is anyone reading this? Are you confused?
> 
>  
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/moonglider6)


	10. ANOTHER YEAR OLDER

**ANOTHER YEAR OLDER**

Mom: "Happy birthday, sweetie."

Me: "..."

Dad: "Would you like to open your present now or later?"

Me: "..."

I nodded.

Dad: "Now it is, then."

My dad hands me a nicely wrapped gift with a bow and all. We sit down on the living room couch and I tear away the wrapping paper.

Mom: "We thought you could use a better up to date camera."

Mom and dad smiled at me with wide grins. I couldn't help but to grin back.

Me: "Thank you guys." I hugged them both.

Dad: "Now get on that bus and work hard in school."

Me: "..."

I nodded and hurried out the door, taking my new camera with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna post one more chapter for today. I think it'll kick the plot into gear. It's also the longest chapter in this story. So that's exciting? By the way, Jeongguk is officially fifteen years old in this story and he will remain this age through the rest of it.


	11. TAEHYUNG

**TAEHYUNG**

Taehyung: "Hey Jeongguk."

Me: "..."

Taehyung: "So whatcha think?"

He set his notebook down in front of me. A horribly sketched football occupied the paper. It looked more like a baseball. A baseball the size of a basketball. How did he mess up an oval that bad?

Taehyung: "Oh damn, I knew it was bad, but that face." He chuckled.

He picked up his notebook and went back to his own art table.

I wasn't going to say anything at all. I don't really care if he passes or not.

Mr. Soul: "Why aren't you doing anything, Jeongguk?"

Me: "..."

I shrugged my shoulders.

Mr. Soul: "Lacking inspiration?"

Me: "..."

I nodded.

Mr. Soul: "Well, what art form were you thinking of using?"

Me: "Photography?"

Mr. Soul: "Splendid idea. Why don't you look up some famous photographers and get an idea of how you'd like to capture your bird."

He pointed to the computer on his desk. Giving me permission to use it.

I nodded and got up, bring my bag with me. I sat comfortably at his desk chair and logged on to his computer. First, I typed in 'bird photography'. So many pictures of so many different bird species popped up. Some pictures occupied up to three birds, some only had one bird. Some pictures had their prey in their mouth, others were diving into water. Some birds displayed colorful feathers, while others were plain or just one startling color.

After a few minutes if scrolling through photos I typed in 'hummingbird photography'. So many colorful hummingbirds filled the page. Staring at them now, I had no clue how I was supposed to capture such a beautiful creature.

Taehyung: "So you're gonna draw a hummingbird?"

Me: "..."

Why was he behind me?

Taehyung: "Seems hard, how you gonna do it?"

Me: "..."

I logged off the computer and went back to my art table. Taehyung pulled up a seat next to me and sat down.

Taehyung: "You don't talk much, huh?"

What gave it away?

Me: "..."

Taehyung: "Are you shy?"

Me: "..."

I shook my head.

Taehyung: "No? Then why don't you talk?"

Me: "..."

I shrugged.

Taehyung: "Is it me, do you not like me?"

Me: "..."

I shook my head again.

Taehyung: "Then why don't you talk to me?"

Me: "I have nothing to say."

Taehyung: "I'm sure you have plenty to say. You just had something to say by saying you had nothing to say. It's not healthy to bottle up all your words, you might forget how to talk."

The funny thing was, he was dead serious.

Me: "..."

Taehyung: "So..."

He whipped his bleached hair away from his eyes. Like one of those pop stars. Not as smooth. Little less graceful.

Taehyung: "Are you a freshman or are you just new? I haven't seen you before."

Me: "I'm new and a freshman. I just moved here this summer."

Taehyung: "Oh, moving sucks. We just had a new neighbor move in down the street. I feel so bad for the kid."

He chuckled at that. A little bit of an eye roll thrown in at the end.

Me: "Why?"

Taehyung: "Oh, because my psycho of a brother is already making plans to go hang out with him and take him to college bars and just torture him in general."

Me: "Oh."

Taehyung: "Yeah, I should probably warn the kid to never answer the door or walk by my building. One of these days my brother is just gonna snatch him and drag him off to god knows where. He'll probably drag him to my younger sister and they'll play dolls and dress up." He shuddered.

Me: "..."

Taehyung: “My brother is one hundred percent positive the kid is gay.”

He added as if that explained the prior conversation. I was stunned at how easily he used the word gay. How nonchalant he was about the possibility.

Me: “…”

The bell rang and we got up to go to science.

Science was boring as usual. Just a bunch of things I don't and never will understand. The formulas or make up for photosynthesis and respiration don't make any sense. But then again I'd have to have been paying actual attention to the teacher.

Random Guy: "Pst, Jeongguk?"

Me: "..."

Random Guy: "Pst, Jeongguk?"

Me: "..."

Taehyung: "Why don't you ever answer me?"

Taehyung came over to my lab table and plopped down in the seat next to me.

Me: "..."

I shrugged.

Taehyung: "So what do you think?"

He laid out his notebook in front of me.

Me: "Better?"

His football was getting better, but I think he should switch his art form. Maybe use a real football. Or photography too.

Taehyung: "You think?"

Me: "..."

I nodded despite my actual thoughts.

Taehyung: "I still can't get the shape quite right."

Me: "Maybe you should trace an actual football." I muttered.

Potion McMaster: "Jeongguk, Taehyung, stop talking."

I thought we were being quiet, at least I was.

Taehyung: "Yes ma'am."

Taehyung had a cheeky rectangle smile that spread over his face. It completely disarmed anyone who saw it. He was about to collect his notebook and go back to his seat when the Potion McMaster spoke again.

Potion McMaster: "Taehyung, stop moving around and sit down."

Taehyung: "Yes ma'am."

Taehyung plopped back down in his seat next to me instead of going back to his original seat.

I arched an eyebrow at him, he replied with a shoulder shrug.

**X X X**

When I got off the bus I had to walk up a mini hill to get to the apartment complex. It was unbearably tiring. Not really, but I wasn’t in the mood for added exercise. Upon entering the apartment my mom thrust the dog’s leash into my hand.

Mom: "Gureumneeds to be walked, now."

I sighed, but nodded anyway. I set my book bag down and clipped the leash onto Gureum's collar.

I decided on a different route then the previous one I did last time. I didn't notice much of a difference in the two routes, but Gureumwas enjoying himself.

Random Guy: "Hey!"

Me: "..."

Random Guy: "Hey you, with the dog!"

I turned around to find a pink haired guy running down the street towards me. His beauty nearly knocked me off my feet. Despite his clumsy running, it felt like he could have been strutting down a catwalk. Unnerving.

Random Guy: "Hey, why'd you ignore me? Never mind, are you the new neighbor down the street?"

Me: "..."

I nodded.

Random Guy: "Great, I've been meaning to introduce myself. I live right over there." He pointed to a brown building just a block away from mine. A much smaller apartment complex that actually looked to be a one family home at one point in time.

Me: "..."

I nodded, again.

Random Guy: "I'm Seokjin by the way. Call me Jin though."

Me: "Jeongguk."

Jin: "I'm so excited to finally meet you, Jeongguk. I have to introduce you to my sister, she'll love you. And my brother, you guys seem like the same age. Matter of fact you should totally stay for dinner and invite your parents. Oh holy cows, she's adorable."

Jin bent down and started stroking Gureum’s fur.

Me: "..."

Jin: "What's her name?"

Me: "His name is Gureum."

Jin: "Aww, such a cute name for such a cute little guy."

He got back up after petting Gureumfor a few minutes.

Jin: "Well come on then."

Me: "..."

I decided to follow him, he seemed insane. Especially with the pink bouncy hair that still looked fried at the ends. Defiantly insane.

Jin: "Oh this is going to be so fun. We haven't had a new kid on the block in ages. And all the kids are bratty girls anyway, young boys too. Gross." He chuckled.

Me: "..."

Jin: "My little sister, Eonjin, she's ten. She's going to be so excited to have a new friend. You can sleep over and we can do make up and dress up too."

Me: "..."

This dude is insane. Why am I following him again? Right, no self-preservation.

Jin: "How old are you? I'm only eighteen."

Me: "Fifteen."

Jin: "Hmm, are you a sophomore?"

Me: "No."

Jin: "Oh. Did you get held back?"

Me: "My birthday is in September, so they just held me back for age difference."

Jin: "That sucks. So, you're actually supposed to be a sophomore?"

Me: "..."

I nodded, I guess. You could look at it that way.

Jin: "When was your birthday?"

Me: "September first."

Jin: "Oh my holy cows, that was a few days ago. We should celebrate. Happy late birthday!"

Me: "Thanks."

Jin: "Anyway, my brother and sister are in the backyard. She's playing on the trampoline and he's playing with his friends. He's a nerd, if you know what I mean. My mom wouldn't let them sit in side and play video games anymore, so they're moping around the yard."

Me: "..."

We rounded the apartment building that definitely used to be a house. Gureumtrailing right behind me. I was shocked to find the back of a certain bleached haired boy in front of me.

Taehyung: "Where did you run off to Jin..."

He trailed off as he turned around, facing me. His eyes widen when he realized who I was.

Taehyung: "Jeongguk, what are you doing here?"

Jin: "You guys know each other?"

Jeongguk: "We share some classes, he's the one who was helping me with my art project."

Jin: "Oh holy cows, this is great, you guys already know each other."

Little Girl: "Who is he?"

Taehyung: "That's Jeongguk, our new neighbor."

Little Girl: "Oh, hi, I'm Eonjin. Come jump on the trampoline with me."

Jin: "Maybe later Eonjin. Taehyung needs to introduce Jeongguk to his friends."

Eonjin: "Fine, you know where to find me."

Eonjin then headed back to her trampoline and continued to jump up and down.

Taehyung: "These are my friends."

Taehyung pointed to three boys sitting on the back porch.

Taehyung: "The brown-haired guy is Minjae. The really tall guy is Bogum. And Yoongi is the one with glasses."

Taehyung pointed each of them out to me.

Taehyung: "Hey guys, this is Jeongguk."

The three boys waved at me shyly, unsure of the situation. Probably as uncomfortable as me.

Jin: "Well, you guys have fun, I'm going to go jump with Eonjin."

Taehyung: "Come on."

Me: "..."

I followed Taehyung to the porch and sat down with him. Gureum sat right under my feet.

Taehyung: "Cute dog."

Me: "..."

I nodded.

Minjae: "You're in our science class, right?"

Me: "..."

I nodded.

Minjae: "Cool."

Me: "..."

I nodded, again.

Bogum: "You just moved here?"

Me: "..."

I nodded, again.

Bogum: "How you like it here?"

Me: "..."

I shrugged.

Taehyung: "So how long you staying?"

Minjae: "Dude just got here, you already trying to get rid of him?"

Taehyung: "No, I was just wondering."

Me: "..."

I shrugged.

Yoongi: "..."

Taehyung: "Yoongi is shy, like you."

Me: "I'm not shy."

Taehyung: "You could have fooled me."

Me: "..."

I glared at him in return.

Eonjin: "Come jump with us, Jeongguk!"

I hooked Gureum’s leash to the porch railing and walked over to the large, round trampoline.

Jin: "So you and Taehyung are friends?"

Me: "..."

I shrugged.

I crawled onto the trampoline and began jumping with Jin and Eonjin.

An hour or so later I was back in my own room staring at my algebra homework.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I don't think Yoongi says a word in this fic. He's just the silent type here. I could change that though. Hmm.
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/moonglider6)


	12. THE WINDOW TO THE SOUL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't care much for this chapter. Meh. It's short.

**THE WINDOW TO THE SOUL**

Have you ever heard of that saying, 'eyes are the window to the soul'?

English Coach was talking about it today. He must have mentioned it ten times. He was comparing the quote to a book character and then to a movie character. I zoned out a little so I'm not positive.

When I got home, after eating 'dunch' I went up to my room. I sat down in front of my mirror that hung from my closet door. I wanted to find my soul, I wanted to see what others saw when they looked at me.

I didn't find anything as I stared into my eyes. They were a swirl of light and dark brown, nothing more, nothing less. What does that mean? Is my soul barren? Just brown, nothing more to say.

I'd really like to know. I had so hoped that my eyes reflected some emotion. A cry for help, a happy glimmer, a fake sparkle, but nothing. I looked void of any emotion. Empty inside.

My eyes had no connection to my soul. Because in my soul I feel the pain that cripples me and the despair that consumes me. My soul is not barren, but yet my eyes hold no emotion. How can anyone know then?


	13. IT'S PURPLE WITH SNAKE BITES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, let's add a new character!!!

**IT'S PURPLE WITH SNAKE BITES**

By the time lunch came around my stomach was growling with hunger. But like always I avoided the cluster of teenagers and walked to the table I shared with Hoseok.

Hoseok always brought his lunch in a green lunch box. Hoseok was obsessed with the color green. He had a green wallet, phone case, and book bag that he carried all his school work in. It was borderline obsessive. It's not like I really cared, but it was a tad bit odd. It’s reasonable to like a color, but not to paint everything in your life that one color. Sounds boring.

Hoseok sometimes shares his food if his mom has packed enough. Today wasn't one of those days so I would have to wait until I got home to eat. I had started calling it ‘dunch’ or just an early dinner.

Hoseok: "Oh no, why is that weird guy coming towards us?"

I looked up to find who Hoseok was talking about. An oddly tall boy, a total noodle of a boy really, long legs and arms, thin as a stick. He had purple hair and he was bouncing over to us.

Me: "..."

I shrugged.

Hoseok: "Please tell me he isn't coming over here?"

The purple haired boy came over and sat next to me. He has snake bites, the two bottom lip piercings. He also has a nose and eye brow piercing. I couldn't help but to cringe away. He looked unbelievably creepy. That must have hurt. And what for?

Purple Hair: "Hi guys!"

Hoseok: "Uh huh."

Me: "..."

Snake Bites: "I'm Joon, what about you guys?"

Hoseok: "Hoseok."

Me: "Jeongguk."

June: "Those are really cool names."

Hoseok: "What's your real name?"

I thought it was June.

June?: "Joon is my nickname, my real name is Namjoon, but just call me Joon."

Hoseok: "What a lovely name."

The sarcasm was evident to my ears, but apparently not to Joon.

Joon: "Yeah, my parents picked a cool name."

Hoseok: "Cool?"

Me: "Why are you here?"

Joon: "Oh, I was bored sitting by myself and I thought you guys looked a little lonely so here I am."

Hoseok: "We aren't lonely."

Joon: "Oh, well my bad. But hey I'm already here and I was lonely."

Hoseok: "Okay?"

Me: "..."

Joon: "What grades are you guys in?"

Hoseok: "Ninth."

Me: "..."

I nodded.

Joon: "Sweet, me too. I'm in your art class, Jeongguk."

Me: "You are?"

I don't remember seeing him, and it's rather hard to miss him. He stands out like a sore thumb.

Joon: "Yeah I just got switched to your period yesterday. I peeked my head in yesterday and saw you, but I got nervous and left."

Joon started laughing like it was hysterical. Hoseok looked murderous and I probably didn't look like anything. Not much emotion to read from a blank look.

Me: "Oh."

Joon: "Yup, I got a bunch of my classes changed. I have two classes with Hoseok, remember I was in your gym and math class."

Hoseok: "Yeah, I remember."

I swear he mumbled something else, but I didn't catch it.

Joon: "I can tell we're all going to be great friends. All my friends left last year so I'm super lonely."

Hoseok: "Okay."

Me: "..."

The bell rang and we headed to our classes.

Joon: "My art class was full of assholes. I hope this art class is nicer."

Me: "..."

I shrugged. We continued down the hall in silence, Joon still following me. I sat down at my art table and Joon sat next to me.

Joon: "Do you think I'm weird?"

Me: "..."

I shrugged, again.

Joon: "Jeongguk, I know I'm a little different, but I thought we could be friends."

I looked at him, and I didn't see a purple haired boy with a lot of piercings, I saw me. Someone who craved friendship, craved to be accepted. He was just brave enough to go out there and try and get it. I wasn't brave enough to reach out and take what I wanted.

Me: "..."

I nodded, with a small smile.

Joon: "Oh jeez, thank you."

He threw his arms around me. I sat stone cold, not even moving an inch. Joon was hugging me. Like Jimin did.

Taehyung: "Oh, look at this love fest."

He plopped down across from me. Joon pulled away and looked Taehyung over.

Taehyung: "Who is this?"

Why was he asking me?

Me: "Joon."

Taehyung: "A perfect name for you."

He smiled at him with that goofy rectangle grin. Really box like.

Joon: "Th-thanks."

He stuttered, and blushed. He blushed!

Taehyung: "So tell me what you think?"

Taehyung sat his notebook down in front of me.

Me: "You should pick a different art form."

Joon nodded his head in agreement. Taehyung’s drawing wasn't getting any better. His football was probably getting worse.

Taehyung: "Ugh, what am I supposed to do?"

Joon: "You could try using clay or using cut up photos to create a collage of your football. Like you could cut up a bunch of pictures that hold meaning to you and arrange them so they look like a football."

Taehyung: "Wow, that's a great idea, thanks Joon."

Taehyung flashed him that cheesy box grin and went back to his seat. I could practically see Joon melting inside. He's a weird dude if he finds Taehyung attractive. He's cute, in the surfer boy kind of way, but he had no density. He's like a blow-up toy, there is no depth to him. He can't go deep, just float on the surface. Which is fine, but I don't know how anyone could hold a conversation with him. He was sweet, I'll give him that, but that's it. Besides, I should tell Joon people like us don’t find happiness. Not in a world like this and not with a cute boy like Taehyung.

Except Joon had fallen for his charm. Figures, he has a winning smile, that's for sure. Big, boxy and so unarming it should be criminal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, Joon isn't gonna have a great time in this fic...
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/moonglider6)


	14. THAT MORNING FEELING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess we're getting into the main trouble of the story here. Anyway, I do try to post about three of these at a time since the chapters are so short. I think I'll post four or five today cause I haven't posted one in a bit.

**THAT MORNING FEELING**

Have you ever woken up in the morning and had a little debate with yourself? Would you rather sleep more or go to the bathroom? Sleep more or go get food? Sleep more or actual get to school on time?

Well I woke up and I debated on whether I should keep living or not. I felt that hallow pain in my chest and I just wanted it to go away. Whenever I thought of him, sometimes just randomly, I'd feel the dull ache in my chest. For some reason, I had woken up to him. I had his name running through my mind and his face engrained on the back of my eyelids. He was always there, judging me and taunting me. Living proof of who I am. What I can never run from.

He knows what I've done wrong, he knows that my guilt is suffocating. But he just watches and he laughs. He doesn't tell on me; he lets me carry the guilt. And I hate him. He’d probably forgive me too. But what I did to him. I could never utter out loud. I don’t deserve forgiveness.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to curl up in my bed and forget everything. But the memories, they haunt me. I don't think I can go to school today, I don't think I can ever leave my bed again. Breathing hurts too much.

I'm glad we left, I'd never be able to face him again.

Jimin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a [Twitter](https://twitter.com/moonglider6). Idk, you wanna talk? We could. Just sayin.


	15. A LITTLE JOON GOES A LONG WAY

**A LITTLE JOON GOES A LONG WAY**

Joon is insane. Period, end of story, that dude is a screw away from being a ticking clock.

I swear Hoseok is going to just explode and tell Joon to go the hell away and tell him how incredibly annoying and bizarre he is.

I'd feel bad if Hoseok did that though. Joon is only trying to be himself, even if he came on too strong and completely weirded us out. I still feel bad, curse my conscious. It always seems to be the source of my problems these days.

Lunch was over and I was once again staring at my blank art project. I was stuck. Do I attempt to be artistic or should I just stick with my photography? Photography is artistic.

Joon: "I'm totally stumped."

Me: "..."

Joon: "I got clown. How do you add deeper meaning to a clown?"

Me: "..."

I shrugged.

Joon: "Please, Guk, you have to help me?"

My body went ridged. Just hearing that name. Guk.

Joon: "Jeongguk, hello?"

Me: "..."

I mentally shook myself and got back to my project, just ignoring Joon altogether.

Joon: "Jeongguk, help me, please?"

Me: "..."

I nodded.

Joon: "Yes, what do I do?"

Me: "..."

I shrugged.

Joon: "Come on Jeongguk, please think of something?"

Me: "Draw a sad clown smiling."

Joon: "Huh?"

Me: "Use the clown's mask to cover up a sad person."

Joon: "Um, okay. I guess I could try that."

By the time school had ended I just about had all the Joon I could take for the day. I was relieved when my bus stop came around so I could get away from him. He literally talked more than Hoseok. I didn't know that was possible. And when Hoseok and Joon are anywhere near each other they start competing for the one who can talk the most. Whether they realize it or not. Put it plain and simple, I need some aspirin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, none of these characters are nice. Like at all. *sigh*


	16. CHUSEOK

**CHUSEOK**

I was looking forward to Chuseok. Not because of the family time or the great food. No, it's because I get to spend it alone. Away from Hoseok, Joon and Taehyung. Didn’t have to think of my old friends. Really didn’t even have to pay much attention to my family. My mom has always loved Chuseok and has taken it very seriously. I think my dad could careless and is just happy he doesn’t have to go to work. This year is different, though.

Mom is doing a charity thing with church. Basically, she's making traditional food for the homeless and dad is just planning on ordering out and watching some TV. He ordered a pizza. I grabbed a slice and went back to my room.

In the past I'd go over to a friend's house for Chuseok, usually…Jimin’s. I’d attend the festivities with them. Their family knew me pretty well at that point. My mom would join sometimes to. But that wasn't a possibility now.

I set the plate down on my bed and picked up a pad of paper. I still couldn’t draw the humming bird, or any bird for that matter. This break was the perfect time to fix that.

Dad: “What’s that?”

I hadn’t even heard him enter I was so focused on my drawing of a bird. I looked up at him from behind my shoulder to see his face all scrunched up in distaste at my drawing.

Dad: " And look at this, your pizza is like a freaking stone. Nice waste of food, I could have eaten this. Go take Gureum out, he's standing by the door."

He grumbled the whole way back down stairs about the waste of pizza. I shrugged and looked back down at my drawing, I liked it enough. I thought this was a very productive break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/moonglider6)


	17. HOMEMADE PRESENTS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, it's been a while. Sorry...I have no excuse since this story is already written and I'm just editing before I post these.

**HOMEMADE PRESENTS**

My dad whined about his birthday for the whole week leading up to it. Mom ended up buying him a new suit. It was obviously not what he wanted. He pouted around that whole day because he assumed we just forgot. Not that I'm sure we could, because of his constant reminding.

In art, instead of working on my bird—which I've just about given up on getting any better at drawing—I worked on making a card for him. The card was a day late, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Dad: "Jeongguk, you did this for me? It's so beautiful, thank you."

Dad crushed me to his side, wrapping one arm around me and placing a slobbery kiss on my forehead. One only a father could get away with. I quickly pulled away and wiped away the saliva. Gross.

He was a lot happier after my card and I was glad. Everyone deserves something heartfelt on their birthday. Even if it's October ninth, the month I’d like to forget. The month that holds another birthday I’d rather not remember. The day that is fast approaching.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...which BTS member has a birthday in October???


	18. AN INVITATION

**AN** **INVITATION**

It's nearly Halloween. Halloween used to be a favorite holiday of mine. It recently gained popularity in South Korea. People have started taking an interest in the odd American holiday. My friends and I would all dress in costumes we'd been wearing the years before and go trick-or-treating. I always wore a black cape and either pretended to be a vampire or something spooky along those lines. Either way we had a blast and spent hours after trick-or-treating just trading candy. We wouldn’t get that much, not a lot of people handed it out, still, that was my favorite part. Friends fighting over who got the peanut candy from BamBam, because he hated it. Yugyeom usually won because he always offered to give away his Nerds. I ended up with the most lollipops, they were my favorite.

Now that I didn't have my friends I assumed I was doing nothing for Halloween. Hoseok thought trick-or-treating was for children and stupid people. Joon went on and on about this party he was going to, Halloween themed of course. So, I assumed I was handing out candy. I'd probably eat most of it myself anyway.

What I hadn't expected was Taehyung to invite me to his Halloween party during art.

Taehyung: "Hey Jeongguk."

Me: "..."

Taehyung: "Silent treatment as normal."

Taehyung took a seat next to me at the art table. Joon had been sitting there but he rushed off somewhere. I wasn't exactly paying attention to him.

Me: "..."

Taehyung: "So?"

Me: "..."

Taehyung: "I'm having a Halloween party. Well, Jin is throwing a party, and he’d kill me if I didn't invite you."

Me: "..."

I nodded.

Taehyung: "So, you gonna come?"

Me: "..."

I shrugged.

Taehyung: "Please, it wouldn't be fun without you."

I highly doubted that, almost told him so. Yet, that is how I got roped into attending Taehyung’s Halloween party. At least I wouldn't have to hand out candy. I would probably end up eating it all and that could only lead to disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the next few chapters coming up are gonna be heavy. A big part of the plot will unravel. And some of my tags are gonna come into play. When I post those chapters I'll let you know what tags you should be aware of.


	19. BOTTOMS UP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, TRIGGER WARNINGS:
> 
> Underage drinking  
> Drug use, just weed  
> At the end, the underage sex tag starts to come into effect. Just the start, it continues into the next chapter.  
> At the very end, the rape tag comes into use. However, the rape tag is mostly for the next chapter.  
> At the end, some internalized homophobia rears it's head as well.

**BOTTOMS UP**

Taehyung: "I can't believe you came, although you didn't dress up?"

Me: "…"

Taehyung: "No worries, it wasn't mandatory. Just glad you could come."

Me: "…"

Taehyung dressed up as the Joker, he had his face painted with creepy smile but was lacking the purple suit. I guess purple suits are probably rare and finding one would have been too much effort, but his costume was still incomplete.

I guess it occurred to me that it was a costume party and I should have dressed up, but I didn't feel like it. Quite frankly the thought of dressing up just seemed more depressing due to the fact that I couldn't even go trick-or-treating. In the end, I showed up in a worn ripped pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a skull on it.

Taehyung: "So, you want a drink?'

Me: "…"

I nodded.

Taehyung: "Here you go."

He handed me the drink in a plastic cup. I took a whiff and immediately knew this wasn't just juice. I shrugged and threw my head back, chugging down all the drink's contents. The liquid burned down my throat and set my nose on fire. It began to give me a satisfied pressure in my head. A dull pressure really. Made me want another one to intensify the pressure. Prolong the dulling effect on my senses.

Taehyung: "Whoa, maybe you should slow down there. That’s rum and cranberry juice"

Taehyung watched as I chugged down another dark red colored drink. His eyes widened as I downed my third cup. I’ve never had rum before, but it seemed to go down easier and easier with each cup.

Taehyung: "Okay, maybe we should get you away from the refreshment table."

Taehyung nervously grabbed my hand and started to tug me away from the alcohol. We moved through the dance floor that looked suspiciously like the living room until we found a secluded room. There were a few people in here playing beer pong, but we ignored them as we sat down on a red leather couch. It occurred to me that Taehyung’s family must rent out the entire first floor of the house that had been renovated into an apartment.

Taehyung: "How are you feeling? Do you need some water?"

Me: "Taehyung, I'm fine."

Taehyung: "No you aren't. You just drank more than the average person does in one day in just an hour. That was lot of rum."

Me: "I can hold my liquor."

Taehyung started laughing at that, nearly spilling his drink. I quickly grabbed it from him and chugged it down. He stared at me wide eyed and gapping mouth.

Taehyung: "Well then, I'll just go get another drink. Don't move."

Me: "Yes, mom."

I smirked at his shocked face, feeling my playful side surface. I'd been suppressing this side for a while and it felt great to let out. Felt nice to let myself open up.

Taehyung just shook his head at me and made his way back to the refreshment table.

I took this as my chance to escape Mr. Buzzkill and fled to the porch. I immediately saw Jin jumping on the trampoline with some girls. It was obvious they were drunk, but it appeared something else was going on there too. And by the stench, it was probably weed. It became very apparent they were stoned. That and they were passing a joint around as they jumped up and down. They laughed and tripped over each other. It was surprising no one got stepped on.

I slowly walked up to them, waiting for Jin to notice me. Once I reached the entrance of the trampoline he glanced at me, then completely stopped jumping.

Jin: "Jeongguk, you're here!"

He giggled as he got down from the trampoline and waved at the two girls. He took a hit from the joint before wrapping an arm around my shoulder and leading us away.

Me: "Can I have a hit?"

Jin giggled and handed me the joint. I took it and placed it between my lips, taking a nice long drag from it, blowing the smoke out before it burned the back of my throat and triggered a coughing fit.

I sighed in relief before handing the joint back to Jin. He took it and placed it between his lips once more.

We did this a few more times before I finally felt the effects. The world seemed to fade away and everything seemed fuzzy. A delightful confusing pressure that wouldn’t let up. Jin tripped over a bottle of beer and fell on his face. I started laughing so hard that I soon collapsed next to him. We both laughed at each other, everything just seemed so amusing, ridiculous even. Nothing really mattered and falling face first on to the ground was hysterical.

Taehyung: "No fucking way."

Taehyung approached us and yanked me up by my arm. I stumbled and fell into him. I clutched his shirt as I laughed harder. Jin tried to get up but fell back down, his legs have long since turned to jelly. Everything just got more ridiculous, the laughter seemed to rip from me. My head started to pound as I pulled away and suddenly there were three Taehyung’s. All blurring together and swaying, but still three.

Me: "Tae-hyung, I didn't know you were a triplet."

Taehyung: "I'm not."

Taehyung narrowed his eyes at us before reaching down and snatching the joint out of Jin’s hand. He crushed it between his fingers then flicked it away from us.

Jin: "Buzzkill."

Taehyung: "Let's sober you up."

Taehyung wrapped an arm firmly around my waist, trying to lead me back to the apartment. I kept stumbling and laughing, causing Taehyung’s hold on me to tighten as he steered me.

Eventually we reached an empty room and Taehyung pushed me onto the vacant bed. Suddenly, memories started to resurface in my mind. Fighting to the forefront as I tried hard to push them back, to shove them down as far as they could go. But his face kept showing up, I could hear his voice. It was ringing in my ears. Yelling – calling for me –help me!

Taehyung: "If I knew you were this fun I would have partied with you sooner."

Taehyung threw his head back and chugged the contents of his cup.

His voice kept ringing, kept calling to me. But I pushed it down, I suppressed it. I got up from the bed and set my hands on Taehyung’s chest, gripping the material of his shirt. Pulling him towards me as I turned. I pushed him down on the bed and slowly crawled onto his lap until I was straddling him. I took my hand and smeared the makeup off his face. His eyes widened as he watched me. His hands came down firmly on my hips, as if to push me off. But he made no move to get rid of me.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I realized we were both boys. This was wrong. I knew I was different. Joon was obviously different. It appeared that Jin was different too. Taehyung however, maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he was normal and what I was doing was absolutely disgusting in his eyes. But maybe he was okay with being disgusting and maybe he was willing to do it with me.

Taehyung: "What are you doing?"

Me: "Showing you how fun I can be."

This is how he felt.

Jimin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh...


	20. THAT NIGHT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:
> 
> More underage drinking  
> Drug use, pills this time  
> This is the chapter that needs the RAPE tag
> 
> Okay, so this chapter goes back to the summer, before the story takes place. It's a flashback that Jeongguk is having.

**THAT NIGHT**

Me: "Jimin?"

I stumbled through the halls tripping over various debris. At one point my foot got stuck on a bra strap and if it weren't for the ledge on the wall I would have fallen on my face. I did manage to lose half my drink though. The amber liquid sloshed from the cup, immediately staining the carpet. But none of that mattered, not while I was so high that Mount Everest couldn't reach me.

I had popped a colorful pill not even an hour ago and was feeling the full effects of it already, maybe there’d be more soon. The hallway faded in and out of focus and sometimes it looked like I would run into a wall but really it was the floor. It felt like the floor at least. That wasn't what mattered, what mattered was the fact that Jimin was still pretty sober.

It was our last summer before we started high school and we wanted to party it up like never before. BamBam and Yugyeom went major buzzkill on us and bailed. But Taemin was hitting it hard with some sophomore girls down stairs. I left him in very capable hands to go find Jimin.

This was Jimin’s first ever high school party. Whereas Taemin and I had been doing this since the beginning of middle school. I promised Jimin I wouldn't leave his side, but when I went to go get us some drinks he vanished.

I left it alone for an hour, but then something started tugging at my heart. I decided I should find him. Sometimes these parties could get out of control, especially summer ones.

Me: "Jimin!"

I shouted his name a few more times, trying to carry my voice over the loud music. I'm sure the neighbors were going to call the police any minute now. This party was getting way out of control. And if the police came I'd be in a shit load of trouble. It probably be best if I grabbed Jimin and Taemin and ditched for a quieter scene. Taemin might need some persuasion though. Probably a lot.

I was about to call his name again when I heard a very distinctive cry for help. I knew immediately Jimin was in trouble. I knew immediately what his distressed voice sounded like. I knew he was in trouble and in my high drunken stupor I had to find him.

I followed the sound of his voice, my head seeming to clear bit by bit with every step. I started opening random doors trying to find him, knowing that I had to be close.

Jimin: "No, no!"

He screamed again and again. I started to panic, so many different thoughts passing through my mind. Every single one blanketing me with guilt.

When I finally found him, I could do nothing but watch from the hallway. I didn't have the strength to help him and no one could hear his cries over the music. I was weak, pathetic, and I just stood there. I don't know if he saw me there that night, but I could never face him again. And I didn't. That was the last time I saw Jimin, and his face would be branded into my mind forever.

Jimin: "No, please don't. Someone help! Please stop!"

Nothing was ever so clear then his words that night. He called and cried but I couldn't answer him. My words never came and I haven't let them out since. What use were they if I didn't know how to use them? So, I suppressed them and I kept suppressing them but sometimes they slipped through.

But they didn't deserve to. I didn't deserve to have them.


	21. FIRST TIME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:
> 
> Essentially the same as the previous chapters.  
> Underage sex  
> Reference to the rape

**FIRST TIME**

This is what he felt. No words could stop this. He was in complete control and I was powerless to stop him. That's how Jimin felt. Except, I handed over control, he didn’t get any choice in the matter.

Taehyung flipped us over and was now in between my legs, taking full control of the situation.

I had always wondered what my first time would be like. I had assumed I'd either be drunk or high and it would definitely be a mistake. I was right. But at least it was my choice, at least I had wanted to do this. At least I could only blame myself.

Jimin had called and cried for help and no one came. In the end, I remained quiet and let Taehyung do what he wanted. I was in no place to stop him. I didn’t want to. Not like Jimin wanted to.

Taehyung slowly undressed me while never taking his lips from mine. Small breaks in between, never longer than a few seconds. And in the end, I had enjoyed it. It felt good, uncomfortable, but like how it should be. Awkward, but endearing. I'm sure Jimin didn't feel the same way, no way he could have. But I genuinely like Taehyung. I don’t really know how that happened, but that smile was hard to dislike. I'm sure Jimin didn't feel this way. How could he?

Eventually I was left in my boxers, under Taehyung and I had only worked his shirt over his head. I wrapped my ankles tightly around his lower back, pulling him into my hips. Thriving off the way his deep voice groaned around me.

This wasn’t an experience I was familiar with. But the mechanics seemed simple enough. The steps logical in their progression and if this kept up I knew where we would end. Taehyung seemed to realize this too as I tried to rid him of his jeans.

Taehyung: "Do you really wanna do this?"

Me: "Yes."

Taehyung sucked in a breath before leaning down to kiss me again.

Taehyung: “I need to get lube.”

Taehyung got up, in his boxers he escaped into the hallway, leaving me on the bed. My best guess was he was getting lube from Jin. I tried to ignore that little detail.

Was I having sex with Taehyung to punish myself? I can still hear his cries in my head. Am I doing this because it was my fault? Because I forced him to come to that stupid party. Because I hadn't looked for him earlier. Because I had done nothing to stop it. Because I stood still and watched.

Frozen.

Because this is what I deserved. Sick and twisted. It’s what I deserve.

Taehyung stumbled back into the room.

Taehyung: “Okay,”

We shed our reaming garments and I watched Taehyung fiddle with the condom packet and lube bottle. We were both breathing heavy. His fingers were trembling. I felt like I should have helped him, but I a sadistic part of me was amused watching him fiddle to tare the packet open. And then confused on how to actually use the lube on me.

His hands were shaking so bad that I had to help him slip the condom on.

Me: "Taehyung?"

He groaned in response, pressing his lips to my neck. He bit down gently, sucking on my skin there, no doubt leaving a hickey.

Me: "I’ve never done this."

I stated it so bluntly that he paused and pulled back. He stared at me with wide eyes. After a few seconds, he finally replied.

Taehyung: "Okay, me too. I haven't either."

It didn't shock me that this was his first time too. Taehyung didn't seem like the type to be sleeping around or be all that smooth. His lack of experience with a condom packet was a strong indicator too. But I can't help but acknowledge the fact that this being both of our first times made me happy. Stirred something in my heart. The fact that we were both fumbling idiots made everything more perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better first time. I knew I didn't deserve it, not after what happened to Jimin. But that wasn’t Taehyung’s fault. He didn’t have to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, that's the last update for today. I hope to post more soon. I just wanted to finish this particular arc today and what happens next will be the aftermath of what has happened in these last few chapters.
> 
> I have a [Twitter](https://twitter.com/moonglider6) if you want to chat.


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